How Loneliness Became Blessed Solitude
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Image by Jonny Lindner from Pixabay
In my former home of Juneau, Alaska, more than one person has said that there’s no lonely like Juneau lonely.
And it’s true.
It was there that I developed a problem with being alone for the first time in my life. And it was in Juneau that I learned to contribute to community and to fill up my inner space.
But if you don’t have everything you need there, the loneliness is excruciating and only gets worse with time.
So much that I left Juneau and moved to Portland, Oregon.
But I brought that writhing anguish of loneliness with me, and it continued to consume me for several more years.
Of course, there were a few short-lived dating disasters during this time. But the long gaps of dateless years continued.
I prayed, meditated, begged, bargained, and even threatened God, Goddess, and the Universe to fall in love and have the relationship of my dreams. There wasn’t anything that I wouldn’t have done to meet somebody special.
During this time, I didn’t just sit around and mope in my self-pity.
I filled up my life with all kinds of wonderful things. Fortunately, Portland, Oregon is a creative city that makes it very easy to be single.
There are so many things to do while flying solo here where one can find connection, and sometimes even touch — like Ecstatic Dance, Silent Disco, Contact Improv, Dinner Salons, and Cuddle Parties to name a few.
Image by Michael Pajewski from Pixabay
That’s not to mention all the meetup groups and 1–3 day workshops around anything and everything you could want in creativity, meditation, breathwork, energy work, sexuality, Tantra, kundalini, and expanding consciousness.
And hot springs. Lots and lots of hot springs.
The possibilities were endless.
Yes, my tastes run to the hippie/New Agey end of the spectrum. But fuck it, those things work.
It was incredibly healing to bring my lonesome self to natural highs. Those moments of self-created bliss and ecstasy gave me relief, and the afterglow was pretty gosh-darned lovely as well.
Image by cocoparisienne from Pixabay
Those moments gave me relief from that incessant gnawing ache of reluctant solitude.
In spite of all this loneliness and personal strife, by some miracle, I have at my core a reserve of self-respect and self-esteem. I’ve never been one to settle for less than what I want.
Ironically enough, those desolate years built up my self-worth. I knew from the depths of my being that I was not so wretched to deserve the isolation I endured.
I also built up an eclectic network of beautiful humans as friends.
That did not come easy either.
Even though loneliness has become an American epidemic - to the point that it’s considered even more deadly than smoking or obesity - there’s little support for the isolated.
To admit that you’re lonely is to beg for ostracism.
Loneliness is a repellent.
Isolation makes you vulnerable, and thus makes it challenging to attract healthy people who have integrity and would make quality friends.
Friendships that are false or weak, riddled with judgment, and bereft of understanding will make one feel lonelier than ever.
I suffered numerous fall-outs, and many times I walked away from various individuals and groups who didn’t support me or treat me well.
In the short term that made the loneliness worse, but in the long run I built up a marvelous community, which I am so grateful for.
With each authentic friendship I forged, a chunk of loneliness fell off me.
Image by Michal Jarmoluk from Pixabay
I had a ridiculous amount of freedom. And I would later regret not appreciating that freedom while I had it.
An energy worker told me she could feel the anguish of my loneliness in my third chakra. She also paused and said:
“Mana, you really need to get comfortable with being alone before you can have the relationship you want. If you don’t, the kind of person you call in will be a reflection of your loneliness. And it will not go well.”
I knew she was right, and I wanted to be able to heed what she said. But I had been so lonely for so long, that pain was unbearable. I simply couldn’t.
Falling in love was all I could think about. And I didn’t know how much longer I could stand being alone.
The energy worker was right.
I finally met somebody about 6 months after that session. I was on a dating marathon through OkCupid, and she was date #8.
Our hungers drew us together. Both of us were desperate for different reasons.
The first three months were incredible. To be gratified in love after being long-denied was one of the purest ecstasies I’ve ever known.
Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay
