Bargain Basement Enlightenment

Image by Gerhard Gellinger From Pixabay

“I’m telling you, Guru Mai is beyond time and space. She’ll be appearing live via satellite at the _____Center,” said Jack Elias, author of “Finding True Magic,” to his students. 

“For just $400, you can be there.”

“I really don’t have the money, Jack,” said the teacher’s pet.

“Any contact with this woman and your awakening is assured,” continued Elias, his eyes widening. “Ask the universe and the universe will-“

“The universe has told me there is no more money,” said the pet.  

“But for just $400, you can have contact with Guru Mai, live via satellite,” said Elias. “It’s incredible how people have come into the money they needed to see this woman. The universe will provide…”

“The universe told me I already spent more than my share,”  said the pet as she laughed.

The rest of the class joined in.

This scene took place during a course on hypnotherapy I took in the late 90’s. 

The only connection between a Hindu priestess based in upstate New York and a small class in Seattle was through our teacher – she was his “guru.”

I had not signed up for this.

All I had wanted was to learn how to hypnotize people to quit smoking and lose weight, and I paid $1600 for the privilege. 

What I got was a New Age junkie who scoffed at that as superficial self-improvement, when our future marks…ahem… I mean, clients were really yearning for transformation. 

Jack Elias’ course would transform us into the elegant minds that could facilitate this profound experience after we conquered our “egoic minding.” 

This wouldn’t happen in the six weekends of the original course. Oh no. We would also need a follow-up advanced independent study course where, for $1200, one could repeat everything covered in the beginner’s course…on their time.   

“My approach to hypnotherapy is transpersonal in the sense that I think the client’s goal, whether she realizes it or not ‘consciously,’ is to be whole and at peace, moment by moment, in any and all situations, and, that regardless of the “presenting problem,” the “cure” will ultimately only be satisfying if it is rooted in, and merely an expression of, this wholeness and peacefulness.”

So wrote Jack Elias in “Finding True Magic.”

In the 90’s, there was big money to be made in exploiting the frustration of being merely human – everybody wanted to manifest their own destiny. 

Elias was a small fish in a large pond, and most of the people in his living room were men and women of above average intelligence. 

One would think that they would have seen through him; yet everybody nodded knowingly during their transpersonal interactions with the sage who waved his magic markers like a wand. 

They lapped up his manure like kittens would a saucer of cream. They didn’t notice he had something else to sell every weekend. 

They didn’t notice that on Saturdays we were done an hour and a half earlier than advertised. They didn’t notice he made an art out of wasting time. 

I did, and not because of my brilliance - I was there, wasn’t I? 

But I must have been the only person there who just wanted to know how to hypnotize people for superficial reasons.

I wasn’t interested in his religion, his guru, dialoging with my shadow side, or entity releasing (knowing how to send a ghost into the light that has possessed your client was absolutely necessary). 

My aggravation gave me clarity. 

I had to hand it to Jack, though. I think he knew he was full of shit and told on himself deliberately, possibly to give everybody a chance to call his bluff.

Maybe I gave him too much credit. Maybe he believed his own bull.

“It is my contention that those who believe in the mind and apparently have achieved a great deal of happiness seemingly by following the dictates of the mind, still are experiencing the happiness beyond the mind as it is identified by and usurped by the mind as its own accomplishment.” (None of this repetitive drivel is due to typos, btw.)

Jack Elias, “Finding True Magic.”

There is something undeniably appealing about the spirituality of the self-indulgent. 

There is neither guilt nor shame since everything we do is a misguided attempt to awaken to our pure hearts. 

Of course, we won’t gain entrance to this heavenly state of harmony and plenty without the right teacher to guide us…for the right price. 

Who wouldn’t love the idea of being the God of one’s life? I’d be curious to know how New Age business has been since 9/11. 

Besides witnessing that brainwashing requires consent, I did learn how to hypnotize people. 

But, I could have learned the basic techniques in a couple of days and figured out the rest from books and practicing on my friends. I think I made a grand total of $100 in my short-lived career as a transformational hypnotherapist. 

Most people wanted to quit smoking and lose weight. 

What does any of this have to do with life in 2020 in Portland, Oregon? 

Nothing - it was just a fun post to write. 

Anyway, I can make you forget about reading this. 

Now I want you to DEEPly….RE…lax….breathe in….breathe out…and…deepLY…reLAX…