Breaking Free From a Narcissistic Relationship - A Celebration

Image by Elias Sch. from Pixabay

Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the day I left the most toxic relationship of my life. To say I had to escape that particular partner is no exaggeration. I left my house for several weeks in order to do it. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was leaving the narcissistic abuse of a covert narcissist.

 

Out of curiosity, I revisited the ‘Dear Jane’ letter I sent on the day I left. It’s surreal to read it. At the time that I wrote it, I had fully believed the person I wrote to was a decent human being - troubled and unstable, but still decent.

 

For the record, I would like to state that everything I described of her daughter’s behavior (Spoiled Child) were the same tactics used by the mother (Ex-Fiancee). That old cliché that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree definitely holds true here.

 

As part of my healing, I dove into a lot of research – particularly Dr Ramani and Richard Grannon – in those first weeks. What I found surprised me. In extricating myself from such a mess, I had followed most of their advice to get out before formally learning about it.

 

Both of them have excellent information on their Youtube Channels and I can’t recommend spending some time learning from their expertise – especially if you are in a narcissistic relationship, suspect you might be (you probably are), or have a history of one-sided relationships with narcissists. I’ll link to their youtube channels at the end of this for anybody who is interested.

 

To commemorate a year of healing, growth, and transition – as well as a tiny drop of revenge – I decided to share most of my break up letter on my blog. I left out the logistics of money and time to move for obvious reasons.

 

Of course, names have been replaced with monikers and other specifics with blank spaces. Any current thoughts are in bold with parentheses.

 

Perhaps this may inspire others to take that leap and leave behind those who suck their souls dry. Good luck.

 

 

Hey Ex-Fiancée,

 

Thank you for your apology about the basement. I apologize too, but I’ll get to that later.

 

I read all of the previous email, and I get that what you had say is real and true for you. We all have our versions of the truth, based on experience, beliefs, and personal bias.

 

In all, I don’t think it matters who is doing right and who is doing wrong. What it really comes down to is: Do we work? Do you and I have the right stuff to make it long term – and be happy? I don’t believe we do. I also believe ending our relationship is the only right thing to do.

 

I’m not coming home because I don’t see the point of talking yet again. Why? We’ve already had all the talks and fights and disagreements over every aspect of our relationship. Nobody’s changing anybody’s mind.

 

Perhaps it is cowardly of me; perhaps it’s excellent self-care. I guess that depends on perspective. I do know that I can’t stand another fight with you. I can’t stomach another scene of high emotions and crying and screaming and locked doors.

 

I was honest with you from the beginning about what I wanted and needed in a relationship and what my limits were.

 

It was clear to me that your needs and wants were different from mine. I thought we could do a “both/and” instead of an “either/or” so we could both win.

 

Yet nearly 4 years later, I believe we are in an “either/or.” Nobody is winning, and my limits have been stretched far beyond what I said I was willing to live with.

 

You are Spoiled Child’s mother. And as you said, her care is your responsibility and your choice. There is no getting away from that, yet I don’t agree with many of your decisions and I’m not willing to live with the results.

 

What may work for you is crazy making for me.

 

I told Therapist about the suicidal comment you made around Spoiled Child, how you felt trapped with a monster you can’t control and who won’t change.

 

Her response was quintessential calm.

 

“There is a solution. She can have her daughter evaluated, so she can get the right therapy and solve these problems before she’s an adolescent.”

 

Therapist then went on to say that she thinks Spoiled Child is possibly emotionally disturbed. But that it’s not an identity. It’s a phenomena. And there is something to be done for that.

 

She had also mentioned the potential for Oppositional Defiance Disorder in a previous session, as did your former colleague at the high school two years ago.

 

At best, Spoiled Child has her charm, and is pleasant and agreeable when she gets her way. But once anybody tells her no, enforces consequences, corrects/criticizes her, or insists she does something she doesn’t want to do, she goes into a rage that would terrify most of the spoiled rotten brats I grew up with.

 

Again, that is at best.

 

At worst, Therapist is right.

 

For the record, I agree with Therapist more than I don’t. I suspect the truth is somewhere between both ends of the best and worst case scenario, neither of which is good.

 

If you don’t face this shit about Spoiled Child and about those parts of yourself that enable her, you will regret it for the rest of your life. Many times, I’ve watched you go into denial about your daughter, and her potential for horrific behavior that healthy, well-adjusted children do not engage in.

 

Last night, when you shut me down when I insisted she needs an evaluation and therapy, that was my last straw. That was the moment I knew I was done with this.

 

I’m not willing to be an enabler in your denial or in hiding Spoiled Child’s problems. At this point, that is most of what I’ve become. This is the heart of what I meant when I talked about the fundamental difference between us.

 

So, this isn’t just about Spoiled Child.

 

This is about us. We have too many differences in our core values, how to approach life, how to deal with problems and handle conflict.

 

So yes, I’m being cold.

 

Yes, I’m running away.

 

I’m not viewing you as my enemy. I’m viewing you as the woman I need to break up with.

 

In the acceptance of the reality that we can’t work out in spite of our hardest efforts, I have to let go of my fiancée, my lover, my best friend, the potential for family, and a dream that meant a lot to me.

 

That is heartbreaking and difficult. It is also necessary. The only way I can do this is to detach, act cold, and be ruthless.

 

I really wanted us to work out, possibly more than you’ll ever believe. That is one of the reasons why I suggested the relationship reset on the day of Spoiled Child’s choir concert. The other was that I was devastated by what she went through that day.

 

That is what I would like to apologize for.

 

I meant well for all of us, but that was a mistake. We’d already agreed to a break up, and if that had stuck, we’d have a much cleaner parting of the ways than this. This only prolonged the agony and I am truly sorry for that. Not just to you. I apologize to Spoiled Child for that as well.

 

And now for the logistics:

 

We need to determine a time and day for me to come get some things and my cats – preferably tomorrow. This includes _____, but if you changed your mind and want to keep him, let me know. I would prefer to come when you’re not there, and I will come with friends to help me.

 

If you need to write your piece for closure or whatever, that’s fine. But I suggest you leave it for me at the house for when I get back.

There is no changing my mind or convincing me that I’m wrong to be unhappy with you. That said, if you contact me, or show up where I’m staying, or go to places you know I’ll be, I will file a restraining order against you.

(This warning was the smartest choice I made in my exit plan. That definitely worked.)

 

I know this is harsh, but a restraining order is a precaution to protect all of us. You have a history of pushing my boundaries and not respecting clear limits that I set. This is not a temporary separation like 3 years ago. This is a permanent break up and the closest to a divorce I ever want to come.

           

If you need to communicate with me about logistics, please do so through ______. She’s a trusted friend and confidante to us all, but I’m willing to find another mediator for her sake because it may be awkward for her.

(Getting a mediator was the second most intelligent decision I made in this.)

 

I’m very sad about this, and to do it this way. But we’ve been putting band-aids on cancer for at least a year, and it’s time to pull the band-aid off. Somebody’s got to do it. So it might as well be me.

(Of course it had to be me.)

 

In our previous talks about who we would be to each other if we were ever to break up, we both agreed that friendship was unlikely. Who knows what may happen with enough time.

(No effing way!)

 

But for the foreseeable future of many months, I don’t want to see you or talk to you. Every time I do - I only get roped back in to something I know doesn’t work.

 

Thank you for the last four years. We had some gorgeous times and I love you. I wish you all the passion and joy we once had in the future with somebody who works better for you and for your daughter. Of course, I wish the same for me.

 

I wish Spoiled Child peace, joy, happiness, and security in the mother’s love that she wants so badly it hurts. But in a healthy way, of course.

 

Take care of yourselves…

Needless to say, her responses to me were not in the same spirit.

For those of you who are sticklers for breaking up face to face, I actually did as she was chasing me out to the car. I said I was done, and the last thing I said to her was “Let me go.”

Dr. Ramani’s youtube channel can be found HERE. 

Richard Grannon’s channel HERE