Writer's Block in a Sex Scene? How to Open Up and Break Through

Writer’s block hits in so many different ways.

Technically, right now, I’m not “blocked” per the usual meaning, because I’m writing regularly.

Even if I’m in a slack phase in my writing, I am making progress on the crucial second draft of “The Shepherd and the Courtesan” (working title only), and I have to keep up on the blog.

Since I was blocked in the truest sense of the phrase for years in that I didn’t write at all, what’s holding me up now is not that much of a big deal.

But I do find it interesting.

There’s one scene that’s holding me up – the first sex scene between the Shepherd and the Courtesan. This scene does not happen right away in this novel.

In fact, it doesn’t happen until the second half of the novel, and there are several sex scenes before the reader even gets to them - sex scenes that are juicier, more transgressive, and more exciting.

Before we get to this, we have the psychological BDSM sex scenes between the Patron’s Daughter and the Brute – neither of them main characters – while the main character, Addie, who will later become the Courtesan, acts as voyeur.

We get to Addie’s flight to the Capital City, and none of the sex scenes are with her as a Courtesan for the sake of pacing.

But we do get the first sex scene between the Shepherd and the Woman who would become Ella Bandita; and the first sex scene between the Shepherd and the Courtesan is right after that.

But the difference between all the other sex scenes and this one is that this sex scene between the Shepherd and the Courtesan is much more vulnerable.

This scene is rooted in tenderness, whereas the others have some element of drama, hedonism, and intrigue.

Also in the scene between these characters, I’m writing about those who are not the usual players in an erotic scene, mainly because of age and ageism.

The Shepherd is 50, and the Courtesan is 60. They are still true to the usual standard of romantic fantasy in that both characters are exceptionally attractive.

In an erotic scene, the Courtesan suspends disbelief because she’s been very sexual for more than 40 years; and any woman who stays highly sexually active keeps her juice much longer than those women who don’t.

The Shepherd, however, has been mostly solitary and without a mate for 25 years. There is a lot of vulnerability there. I’m resistant to write about that, and I wonder why.

I wasn’t resistant to writing about the psychological and physical violence between the Brute and the Patron’s Daughter.

For the record, that’s not how I approach sexuality in my personal life. I’m not into BDSM, although I have a lot of friends who are and they are fascinating people. Perhaps that’s why. I’m emotionally detached.

So maybe I can’t be emotionally detached at the thought of a character who had embraced his solitude, and was now suddenly confronted with emotional and sexual intimacy, along with the fears that would entail.

That hits closer to the home of my experience.

Then I arrive at the logistics of impotence.

Erectile dysfunction is reasonable to expect in a middle-aged man who has not had sex in a quarter century.

That likelihood cannot be ignored because it would render the scene ridiculous, even in a “fantasy.”

Oh, and then there’s the logistics of being a woman writing a sex scene from the POV of a man.

I’ve done it before with the Wanderer in the previous novel, but it adds a whole new level of awkwardness to writing it.

Since Viagra is not an option for a story set in pre-Industrial fairy tale times, I consulted with my Tantra teacher on natural methods to induce a solid hard-on for the good Shepherd.

She shared the finger-in-anus-to-massage-the-prostrate technique that she claims would raise an erection in a dead man. (Ok, I exaggerate.)

Although that information is very pragmatic, I couldn’t figure out a graceful, poetic way to introduce it in the scene.

And the sensitive Shepherd, who has long been celibate, is more likely to be scared off with a move like that. Maybe I’ll use it later in the story once they get better acquainted.

Another tantra teacher suggested that the Shepherd start waking up with erections, getting back in touch with his sense of arousal before they ever get together.

Now that, I can use.

For their first time, so far, I went with tender loving care, encouragement, tantric breathing, and palpating the perineum.

Although there’s no guarantee those gentler methods would be effective in real life, who is to say that’s impossible? It only has to be in the realm of possibility, and that is good enough for me.

As far as insights and how-to advice, I think I led by example.

You can write a blog or a Facebook Note, and open up to strangers. Writing this post gave relief to my shyness. I've never used Facebook Live or Instagram Live, but I bet that would lead to some pretty out there input, and there’s always something useful.

If you prefer a more intimate place to get feedback on your sex scenes - in fiction and in life ;-) - I recommend talking about it with people face-to-face.

Discuss the sex scenes with close friends or your writers’ group. I will need to do this eventually for that masculine perspective on those sex scenes told from the man’s experience.

But even without that, other perspectives can be very helpful in fleshing out a challenging what ifs and snafus. And talking about it in person is likely to break you out of your reticence and embarrassment.

Oh, and there’s always masturbation. With a fantasy going on inside your head, maybe even the sex scene you’re stuck on.

My golden rule when it comes to writing about sex: If what I’m writing doesn’t turn me on, how can I expect that to stimulate the reader?

I’m ready to take on that sex scene now. How do you handle being shy about writing a descriptive sex scene?

For anybody who’d like a nibble - and this is only a nibble - because sex is part of the background, not the main event in the scene, click here to view this excerpt out of my work-in-progress, “The Shepherd and the Courtesan.”

Modern Sexual Healers and Backstory - Tantric Shitshow 4

Image by Saray Villar from Pixabay

Hey y’all,

Thanks so much for the letters, notes, and WhatsApp texts and calls. Those bits of contact warm my heart and bring me joy.

Anybody who has meant to reach out but hasn’t yet, anybody who hasn’t for a while, or even anybody who touched base with me a couple of days ago - to reach out after this email would be especially supportive.

About 20 years ago, I came across some New Age magazine and landed on an enthralling article written by a woman who possessed eloquence and insight as she described what she did for a living.

As I remember it, she had started her career as a traditional talk therapist, but eventually found herself going in the direction of sexuality, particularly in the area of sexual dysfunctions. I don’t recall what her self-described job title was, but it was something similar to sexual surrogate.

What she did was far more intimate than giving paper handouts on effective masturbation techniques for clients who came to her for all manner of problems - premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, low libido, sexual abuse, rape, incest, frigidity, inability to orgasm, or some combination of the above. Because sexual dysfunction is often rooted in trauma.

The writer made clear that the only clients she worked with came to her for help. Therapeutic help, even if it was sexual.

She also made it clear that what she did was considered prostitution because genital contact was involved, and there was always the risk that she could be arrested and thrown in jail.

I remember thinking as I read this article that this woman was a hero, that what she did was incredible, and how fucked up it was that she could have her reputation, career, and life ruined because of it.

Charles Muir and his ex-wife, Caroline Muir, proved (yet again) that sex sells. They started the company that would become known as Source Tantra through marketing the ecstasy of incredible sex. Bigger, better, stronger, more explosive orgasms could bring transcendence to everybody at every age.

He’s been very successful at that.

Yet even Source Tantra moved into the therapeutic arena.

I’m sure most of you have discerned the nature of the private sessions given by Charles Muir’s team reside in this space between therapy and sex work.

And herein lies one of Rashmi’s most bitter grievances about Neo-Tantra. She can’t stand it that this new breed of sexual healers often cloak themselves with the titles of “tantrikas” or “dakinis.”

“They rub one out and have the nerve to call it tantra.”

Not that Rashmi has a problem with prostitution.

“If a woman is a prostitute fighting for legalization, and the protections and rights that go with it, I will fight shoulder to shoulder alongside her. Just don’t call it tantra.”

She was not especially impressed with a change of nomenclature when I told her about the woman who introduced herself as a Shamanic Sexual Healer in the hot tub at the Cascadia Tantra Festival. She was friendly, engaging, and had finished her ISTA (International School of Temple Arts) training right before FOSTA-SESTA shut down the Craigslist personals and Back Page, which is where sexual healers found most of their clients, alongside the prostitutes.

The Shamanic Sexual Healer was passionate about her work. Until then, she had trimmed weed to make a living, and it sounds like this career has given meaning to her life and some direction.

“To be clear,” she said at the end of our conversation. “I don’t have sex with my clients. I do genital massage and that’s as far as it goes.”

“It’s no different than a happy ending at a massage parlor.” Rashmi huffed when I told her this story.

I think that’s harsh, but the law agrees with her.

Rashmi’s feelings are understandable. It goes far beyond cultural appropriation to use the verbiage of tantra to camouflage a particular kind of exchange.

I know many people would agree with Rashmi and with the law.

For the record, I don’t. I don’t think it’s that black and white. I think this hybrid of sexual healers falls within shades of gray.

How somebody perceives what they’re doing makes a difference. So do the boundaries set on what is offered. That alone shifts the intention. If the focus is on healing, that distinguishes one from the other – sex workers/escorts/prostitutes/hookers/massage parlor masseuses and masseurs are not the same as sexual healers.

Of course, prostitutes are healers in their own right. They have done an eternity of helping those who suffer sexual frustration, loneliness, isolation, sexless marriages, loveless relationships – maladies that plague millions of people.

Here’s a link to a deeply moving story from one of the first Mystery Box Shows that proves the point.

Enjoy! Part II is coming right up next.

Peace,

Mana