The Quixotic Quest of the Great Queer Hope I - Tantric Shitshow Part 1

Image by KiraHundeDog from Pixabay

Hey y’all,

Well, that was a disaster.

I love being open. I love the results of being open most of the time. It’s a state that makes life more interesting, and jumping into the unknown has landed me in some spectacular places and experiences.

But every so often, I would be wise to exercise the caution of taking a closer look of what I’m jumping into.

And this Masters Workshop Tao Meets Tantra, with Sierra Levy (no – excuse me, I mean Doctor Sierra Levy, naturopath and acupuncturist), allegedly as the head of Queer Tantra was definitely one of those times.

I should have researched.

I should have asked questions. I should have asked a lot of questions.

But I didn’t, and that’s on me.

To get y’all up to speed, I left the Masters Workshop on Sunday, while it ends today, Wednesday. I came to Pai with Kip on Monday.

Right now, I’m sitting in a lovely little café on a dirt road with a lovely view of a small farm between this café and the place where Kip and I are staying in our respective mud huts.

Roosters are crowing, birds are chirping, the morning sun is bright, and it’s not too hot yet.

Photo by me.

Oh, and there’s a white Buddha statue on the hill above us.

There are lots of Buddhas on hills around here, and lots of temples.

I have this gorgeous little cappuccino set up in front of me, with a tiny cup of flower water on a small wooden tray, with a wooden spoon to stir as much brown sugar as I desire into my cappuccino.

In other words, I’m good, life is good, and I’m in a good place.

Photo by me.

I’ve also had some time to process long enough to find the humor in what I just left behind.

It’s fabulous when everything goes smoothly in life and travel, but the really good stories come from conflict and chaos, when everything goes to hell and all the drama that ensues.

So please excuse the length of this email. For those who want to dive with me, it will take several letters to tell all this in digestible chunks.

On that note, back to the shitshow and how I landed in it.

I met Sierra last summer at the first Cascadia Tantra Festival on the Olympic Peninsula. I almost didn’t go. I had finally gotten back in my house and I was exhausted. But the guest coordinator convinced me to come, insisted this would be so healing and nourishing after a breakup.

So I rallied and went.

This was one of those times when jumping off the cliff into the unknown was a gorgeous idea.

Five weeks after my split with Morgen, I was numb. The healing from the CTF was desperately needed. At the end of those few days, I was able to feel again, without feeling horrible. And to give credit where it’s due, Sierra Levy had been a part of that.

Sierra and I were 2 of 3 queer women there. The 3rd, Grace Bryant from Seattle, was one of the presenters and her 2 workshops – “Deconstructing Gender Identity” and “Non-Binary Tantra” - left little doubt as to what she was about and what she had to offer in this workshop.

On the last day of CTF, Sierra and I had paired up for an exercise in letting go through sending some love to those who had hurt us and who we hadn’t forgiven.

Sierra said: “I don’t need to do this. I’ve already done my work, but I can hold space while you release. I’m in bliss about 97% of the time.”

Looking back, that statement right there was a red flag.

But I went with the flow. In the exercise, we sat across from each other and held hands – left palm up and right palm down, left hand receives and right hand gives to make a circuit between us.

It was intense.

Energy coursed through me as tears streamed down my face.

I let go of so much shit inside of sorrow and the sorrow inside of shit about Morgen and her daughter, Yseult. Then they flowed out, and Robert (my late brother) and Keckley (his ex-wife) came in, and then my older brothers, then my parents, and I think you get the idea.

A powerful release like that is vulnerable and sets up a lot of trust.

After this exercise, Sierra and I continued talking, and agreeably lamented the lack of queer women who were also interested in studying Tantra. She then told me about this intensive Workshop in Thailand, and to spread the word to other queers who I thought might be interested.

“I’m heading up Queer Tantra,” so said Sierra, “and I want as many of us there as possible. There are only about 20 spaces left.”

“Are you teaching classes?” I asked.

“Maybe. My role hasn’t been fully defined yet.”

She friended me on Facebook and sent me the link. I kind of had a picture of her playing a role similar to what Grace Bryant had at this one.

I thought: “What the hell. I’ve never been to Thailand, and what better way to celebrate my freedom after ending a stifling, oppressive relationship than to go to SE Asia and start that journey with a Tantra adventure.”

So I signed right up.

This is the part where I should have done some research.

To be continued…

Peace,

Mana